Eventually, my resolve to get free of the nectar, free of the poison, free from my self-imposed prison awakened me from the nightmare. "Reverse" was out of the question; there was no way back through that looking glass to the life and me that used to be. Soul-sick of neutral, all I really wanted was to go forward again at full speed --- booze free! Alice met lots of new friends in Wonderland: Some weird, some wise and wonderful. I went to a new Wonderland of my own: A treatment center where I too met some weird and wonderful people, and a very wise counselor. The first few days were like the Mad Hatter's Tea Party. Everything was the opposite of what each of us ever wanted. I saw the results of all those drinks and pills and pipes revealed starkly, sometimes heartbreakingly through individual stories about all the stuff that had been snorted and shot-up and swallowed. The truth was that not one of us had ever said as a child or a teen, "when I grow up I want to be a stumbling drunk or a drug addict." But, there we were. It didn't matter why. Maybe it was due to heredity and caused genetically, or just weak will and laziness. Some lacked self- esteem, others just wanted to live in a dream. But dreams had become the nightmares of hell and euphoria had turned to horror. The nectar is legal, but it isn't safe. It can take you on a strange journey through an invisible mirror you never intend to walk through, and unexpectedly one day, everything will change. Call it time warp or just aging, or maybe all those drinks really were nothing but "POISON". Or, maybe it's like the Red Queen screamed: "No more for you, you've drunk your quota!" At any rate, the party's over. Rabbit holes abound along my path in life. I can still get as harried and hurried as the White Rabbit, and when that happens, the craving and compulsion come swiftly. In an instant, Wonderland-time flashes through my mind with the brightly arrayed labels that no longer read "POISON", but enticingly say "Nectar of the Gods" . . . drink me". No more rabbit holes or mirrors or funny drinks for me, and Mad Hatter parties aren't my cup of tea: Happy and gregarious like I used to be just naturally, I'm off on a new adventure in reality. "Sometimes we have to lose in order to win" My trip through reality was a Wonderland-like tale of its own until the thing I had dreaded most occurred, and I discovered that the nightmare wasn't over yet, and would not be until the instant that the Only One who could relieve me of alcoholism, did. Yes, God could and would if He were sought. In one heartbeat of future time, I would be free. |
Next: "Looking Glass Cracked" The Final Freedom |
Enter through the mirror: |
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Unlike Alice, who was afraid of nothing and nobody, when I was young, I was very, very shy, easily intimidated and frightened of new experiences, always believing other people were smarter and prettier, and more worldly than I was. At the tender age of 18 (people were still "tender" when I was 18 in 1965), I moved from a small, rural area to the "big city" where those perceptions about myself and others became magnified. Then one day, just like Alice, I followed someone else's lead and stumbled down a rabbit hole to find a key that unlocked me, and led me on a magic ride into a myriad of new adventures. I too found bottles filled with mystical, magical liquids that everyone drank from because they gave instant happiness and courage. These bottles were all marked "drink me" and labeled Nectar of the gods. Just like Alice, I drank from them and discovered an exciting new world. What an adventure! If anyone had told me that these bottles were filled with liquid depressants, madness, sadness, and insanity, I would have thought them mad as a hatter. This was heaven's own sweet nectar! It energized me, made me happy; and, unlike many of my friends, I had a tremendous capacity for it. I never got sick or sloppy or fell asleep in inappropriate places. I just rode on the beautiful rainbow. No longer shy socially, I was, like Alice, still very naive. Many of my friends were eating funny little cakes and cookies that were marked "eat me", munching mushrooms with the hookah smokers, going places in their heads and lives that I would never go. None of that for me! Like a hummingbird in paradise, I thrived on the nectar. I spent a long, long time in Wonderland: Cocktails at five, parties every weekend, excelling at everything I did, progressing in my career, getting married, and planning my life. That was Seattle, but I wanted New York. And, I got it! With it, doing a job that I loved, I also got to travel: Atlanta, Chicago, San Francisco, Dallas, LA, Seattle, Minneapolis, Philadelphia, Cleveland, and Denver. Nectar, nectar everywhere and all of it to drink. First class flying with free cocktails, drinking with disgruntled employees from cocktail time until closing in glitzy lounges in the poshest places, fixing up their work lives, and getting up the next day to do it all again. Never sick, never tired, never even hungover. It was a time of pure joy with the Nectar of the Gods. Along the way, friends started falling by the wayside from all their little cakes and pills and pipes. They should have been happy with just the nectar. It was legal and it was safe, and it would never send them or me on a bad trip. My life was fun, exciting and perfectly wonderful! In fact, it became "curiouser and curiouser" how really great it was and how there was nectar everywhere. Always there was plenty of nectar: and it was legal, everybody drank it, and everybody was happy. I was in Wonderland much longer than Alice. She awoke to find it was all only a dream. She dreamed herself out of the rabbit hole and back to reality. Had I misread a sign along the way, taken a shortcut, or a wrong turn? The nectar was there part of everything I did. It was part of my job, always part of my fun. Then one day unexpectedly, I felt as if the Red Queen herself was chasing me, shouting, "Off with her head! No more for her, she's drunk her quota!" I must have drank some bad nectar, I thought. What's happening??? This isn't fun! This isn't happy! I want things back the way they used to be! |
No more for you! You've drunk your quota! |
This page was last updated on: 12/27/03
"Just Like Alice" by Lin LaTrajet copyright 1999 |
But there was no going back. Now, the Red Queen screamed and screeched within me. She seemed to be everywhere always in mad pursuit. I ran and ran from her, ran from myself, ran from all of you, ran from the life I loved, trading it for the nectar. Just like Alice, one day I stepped right through the looking glass without ever waking to discover that it had all been just a dream. It was no dream! It was a living nightmare --- the nectar had become my life! One "step" across some unseeable line, through some invisible mirror, and suddenly everything was absolutely and forever reversed just like in a mirror, most tragically of all, the nectar. Even the labels had changed: they no long read Nectar of the gods, now they read 'POISON'. How could that be? Each one still said "drink me" so I did, trying to find the one that held the nectar that would get me back through the looking glass. Well, Red Queen or not, I hadn't had my quota! Quickly the poison became more palatable. I had learned how to be sociable, now I learned to live in self-imposed isolation away from family and friends who told me "You could drink normally if I would just try harder". There were no more brandy Alexanders or white Russians at happy hour, no champagne cocktails at brunch with friends. Now, I drank the poison just to survive, to kill the pain, to stave off the nightmares, the shakes, the horrors. Always, I remembered to save enough for "hair of the dog" for breakfast to get rid of the heaves, headaches and hangovers that were never there before. Year after year, I struggled on refusing to believe it was a one-way mirror and there was no way out. Now my life was more chaotic than the Red Queen's party! But, somehow, despite the nectar, I had learned to be me, no longer intimidated or feeling inferior to anyone. Even my wildest dreams had been achieved before the nectar became my nemesis. |
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